With great sadness, I wanted to share this with you…
Vivienne (to Grandmom):
“You know, my mom won’t be bringing the baby home with her from the hospital.
But d’ya wanna know what’s great about it?
The baby is in Heaven… and didn’t even have to read the Bible to get there!”
Some of you knew, some of you didn’t know, that Ryan and I were so happily expecting our third child. At our 20 week ultra-sound appointment, we discovered that the baby had stopped growing at 18 weeks and was no longer alive.
And, so, I don’t really know what else to write except that we are journeying through a stillbirth.
I’ve always thought of it as one of life’s single-most terrifying words: stillbirth.
I’ve always thought of it as being a quiet, sterile experience with no pulse; no energy.
But, there we were… laboring, crying, reaching, and waiting.
And I realized I had overlooked all of the movement there would be.
All of the agony, anxiety, care, love, turmoil, shock, shifting, and growing of mother, father, nurses, doctors, grandparents, children…
All the beating hearts and falling tears and mourning groans…
The only stillness, really, is that precious little body that emerges to say, “I was really here. But I am not any more.”
And that one little person is so very, very still.
While everyone and everything keeps moving, and pulsing, and groaning, and hurting.
***
It’s only been one day since.
But, I wanted to let you know about it because it’s very hard for me to pick up the phone or talk about it in person.
***
We’ve had incredible, overwhelming support from friends and family – even from some folks who we do not even know, but who are entering our mourning process with the perfectly placed Scripture or word.
On Tuesday morning, Ryan and I were like a mommy and daddy sheep, grazing contentedly on a mountaintop, not realizing that, the next moment, when we turned our heads, we’d be whirling headlong down a cliff, into the valley of the shadow of death, running, feet over feet just to keep up with the plunge.
But, no sooner had our feet hit the depths of the valley, when we heard the thundering…
…the thundering footsteps of dozens and dozens of people, running headlong behind us, to meet up with us there.
And to surround us. All around.
We thank God that people – like sheep – follow one another with such devotion.
So, though we are here in the valley, God Himself remains our rock, and our family and friends remain our companions, hovering all around, even as Christ is with us here.
And our baby – a sweet darling if ever there was – is in Heaven (and didn’t even have to read the Bible to get there).
46 Comments to "Vivenne’s Quote of the Day"
oh. oh my. I am so, so sorry. Weeping with you… So hard to lean across the miles, across the interwebs. so precious, that your baby already knows Him, the Word. oh the longing you leave me…
As Kelly said, weeping with you. I remember that loss greatly, and still grieve. What a blessing Vivenne’s quote is…puts it all in proper perspective. May He soothe your hurting souls during this time.
My heart aches for you and your family. Praying. Praying. Praying.
Laura, I still check your blog occasionally, and was so, so sorry to read this recent post. Precious baby. Your daughter’s words are so very comforting, aren’t they? Praying for God’s comfort for you and Ryan and your sweet girls. Thank you for posting.
Thank you for writing so beautifully and personally about your loss. I am praying for your family.
Laura, I am so sorry and thank you for sharing. I just finished miscarrying our third baby 3 days ago and it has been a really rough road. I am so sorry for your loss and yet so encouraged not to be alone. I think I’ll remind myself of Vivienne’s mature and profound words over the weeks and months to come. God’s blessing be upon you. Brooke
I think, Viv had the perfect words.
My heart aches with you tonight.
I don’t even know you, but I wish I did so I had more personal words to offer. Your analogy of the mountaintop and valley touched me so deeply. I hurt for you, but I also hope for you, because I know you trust in God. May God give you peace and soothe your aching hearts.
So beautifully written. May God wrap his arms around your family in this time of grief. I could not imagine the loss you have experienced and I pray for your peace. Seriously, my heart aches for you!
Oh I am so, so sorry. I don’t know you and this is the first post of yours I’ve ever read, but still I weep. I also give thanks for you, and your baby, because God placed this post in my path tonight to give me perspective and grow my faith…the way he always does, for His glory. I will be praying for you.
Oh Laura, I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby in 2008 and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. My heart does ache with you.
Praying for you and your precious family.
In your achingly beautiful words here, we glimpse the beauty of your child there with the Word.
Rest in our fervent prayers and the everlasting arms that carry us until we are all one day reunited. You are loved.
My dear Laura,
I love you, I truly do.
I am thinking of you. I hope to see you in the coming days.
You are loved my dear, oh so very much.
On occasion, I will listen to my voicemail. You left a message for me on July 29, 2009 and you sang me this song. I’ve saved it every 30 days..when prompted just so I would have it on days when I need to hear God’s word through your lovely voice.
Here is what you sang to me, for me. Here it is for you, for you!
Jehovah Jireh
Jehovah Jireh my provider
His grace is sufficient for me
For me, for me
Jehovah Jireh my provider
His grace is sufficient for me
The Lord shall provide all my needs
According to His riches in Glory
The Lord shall provide Himself a lamb for sacrifice
Jehovah Jireh takes care of me
Of me, of me
Jehovah Jireh my provider
His grace is sufficient for me
For me, for me
Jehovah Jireh my provider
His grace is sufficient for me
The Lord shall provide all my needs
According to His riches in Glory
The Lord shall provide Himself a lamb for sacrifice
Jehovah Jireh takes care of me
Of me, of me
I do not have many words except I am so sorry. Your strength to write and put into words your heartache is amazing. Thank you for opening up your heart to us.
Much Love,
Courtney
We lost our third baby at 18 weeks and as I’m reading this it brings back a flood of emotions and memories. I am so very, very sorry for your family ~ and so thankful to hear that you have an amazing group of people surrounding you and holding you up during this time.
Praying that you experience and know so deeply and fully the love and peace of God right now!
My tears and my prayers are with you tonight, dear sister. I pray that Christ would comfort you with His Presence and His peace. We have one in heaven too and so I empathize with you.
Oh Laura – Sarah Mae let us know the news, and as so many said before, our heart is aching with you, and for you. To hear your precious daughter’s words to grandma put it into eternal perspective.
My heart is joining in the ache.
Laura, I am so sorry. Today my ladies group went to clean the home of a woman who lost her baby today at 16 weeks. We did not know her, but wanted her to sense God’s love and that other women see her pain. My heart aches for you and I am glad you have the support of others who can reach out and hug you through this.
Laura, I don’t know you, but my heart cries for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Laura,
I lost my baby this January – it was my very first pregnancy. It’s weird thee emptiness you feel when that happens. But our Savior is so awesome. He is there for you every step of the journey.
I said a prayer for your family as soon as I read this. My heart breaks for you. I delivered my first baby, a sweet little girl, more than 10 years ago when I was 18 weeks along. God has turned that experience, which was one of the darkest ones of my life, into something beautiful. I can’t wait for the day when I meet my daughter face to face.
I wish I could hug you!
Laura,
Among my prayers for your family I have been asking the Lord that the girls would have a holy understanding in this situation, it is apparent Vivian does. Sweet words to comfort her Momma.
Even in your pain you share so beautifully. We’ve always known you are woman desiring only to live out God’s will and your words are evidence of that.
We look forward to becoming neighbors and Jamie and I share in the excitement seeing your dream to move to the Booz homestead fulfilled. Praying all goes well this weekend and continuing to lift you up.
Always ask when you need assistance, we will be close and are eager to help.
hugs,
Sonia
My heart breaks for you, Laura. And I am so thankful that you have an eternal perspective.
I am visiting from a Like a Warm Cup of Coffee and am so very sorry for your loss.
Still, I see the fingerprints of God all over this and know He has not left or forsaken you.
The longer I walk this Christian road the more I am aware of how suffering can be such a sacred and wonderous place in our faith. It is deep and painful and uncomfortable and raw and REAL. In my flesh I wish to take the sorrow of it away for you, but I just know that you will be able to experience our Savior in a way you would have never had otherwise and for that reason alone I would not want to take that away from you.
Big, big hugs to you….
I just found your site through like-a-warm-cup-of-coffee. Just letting you know that I am praying and feeling for you.
Came across this blog and couldnt help but comment. There are no words to share … But I did want to thank you. Thank you for being strong, for being a light in the midst of darkness and — as painful as it is — I can hear the loving trust in your voice. It inspired me to trust and be comforted in the shadows of even death.
Laura,
Wishing I could come and give you a hug right now, I write this message through my tears for you. Though I have never walked the road you are on, please know that we are praying for you and your precious family. The mere title of your blog is so fitting right now…ALL the way your savior leads you: through the places you want to go and through the places that you wish to run far from and would never choose to go. His grace is sufficient, as you know and your gift of being able to eloquently articulate this very fact will bring Him glory even through your grief. You are a wonderful mother and we can all rejoice to know that someday, you will see this little one again. Love and prayers…
I’m not sure if you got my email, but I have been praying for you for the last 2 days! We love you all and wish that we could be there to wrap our arms around you during this difficult time! What a sweet testimony you have shared, and I just love Vivi’s simple faith!
We are truly sorry Laura and Ryan. My heart is aching and all I can say is that I am so sorry. I am praying for you and sending you (virtually) my hugs. In heaven, there is this precious, beautiful child waiting for you. My prayers go out to you, Ryan, Viv and Lia.
Love,
Lisa and Michael
Laura,
Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this time – those words just don’t seem like enough. Know that God is Love and has surrounded your family with his protection and caring grace. He will sustain you through this time, as will the love and support of friends and family. Know that many many prayers are coming your way from MD – we lift you up! Ride on the supporting wave it brings.
Love you,
Kierstie Drumm Whitehead (and family)
I am praying for you. Your words were so full of emotion and you tell a story of love and gentleness and sorrow and pain. God will in time heal your heart but you will always love your little one. Your little girls message to grandma was very touching. take care … from a grandma in Oregon
Laura,
I saw from Melanie J’s FB update that I must hurry to read your blog. My dear friend, I am sorry. What a hard road to walk, what a grief to bear. Thank you for sharing your painful story with us. I will pray for you.
I found your link through another blog last night. What wise and beautiful truths spoken by Vivienne, and yet how our hearts break for this season before Heaven when we must be apart from our treasured babies. Praying the comfort only Christ can bring to your grieving heart for the hours, days, weeks and months ahead. A book that was a huge blessing to me is Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg.
I am so so sorry!
Hi.. My name is Michelle. I know melanie Johns from church…We don’t know on another, but we are now sisters in the fact that My baby boy Liam was stillborn on April 20th. We found out he died during a routine 20 week ultrasound…doctors said he was only measuring 17 weeks. Today was our memorial service for Liam and it was beautiful. I have also written a blog if you ever want to read. http://amomenttoremember-liam.blogspot.com/
Love to you
Laura,
We spoke with your precious father today and he told us the sad news. I can’t imagine the pain, but I can imagine the hope you have. Thank you for writing and sharing your life with us. I have prayed for you today and will continue to pray. With love, Ranelle
Laura,
We are so sorry and our hearts are aching for you all. We send our love and hugs to you all. We are all praying for you and your family. Please let us know if there is anything that we can do for you. We love you all! You will all be in our hearts and our prayers.. Love Aunt Linda, Uncle Alan
Laura,
I am so sorry for your loss. May you feel the loving embrace of our Lord Jesus during this time of tremendous loss and grief. I will be holding your and your family in prayer over these next few weeks. I am so very sorry…
Laura, Ryan, Vivienne and Lia
We are so saddened by your loss.
2 Corinthians 1:3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can confort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
Laura, my prayers are with you and your family.
I am so sorry that your sweet baby died! I am weeping with you now, after reading this. My husband and I have lost six babies, and I know that deep valley in the shadow of death ~ especially as a mother. I’m so thankful that you are surrounded with people to weep with you and grieve with you.
Thank you for sharing your baby with us like this. And for glorifying God in the midst of anguish.
I’m sorry for your lost. I had a stillbirth baby too, two years ago, so I understand very well… the hurt, the feeling of emptyness, the rising of milk without a baby to nurse, the other pregnancys that will never be the same. But we serve a God in control of everything, a God who gives and takes away. Everything he did is for a purpose, even when we don’t understand, even when it hurts a lot. If Raphaelle was’nt dead at 22 weeks of pregnancy, in June 9th 2008, I would not have the joy to know Isaac, our first son, who is born 1 year later, in June 16th 2009. I want to share with you a website that helped me a lot the first days as I read the letters of the couple: http://www.peacebears.org/ and there is on the Internet some videos that help me too, like “Sophia song”, “Tyler’s lullaby” by Brandon Heath, “I’ll praise you in this storm” by Casting Crowns. And at last, I want to give you hope that the sun always come after the rain. Even if it’s hurt a lot and we think it would last forever, it’s just for a season. I will pray for you!
Praying for you and your family.
Laura – thank you for sharing your journey – and heartache. We lost a baby mid-November at about 7 weeks, and it has been the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. Your words make me cry because you have written so beautifully throughout your posts, so much of the feelings and heartcry I have felt. Blessings to you & your family…
I realize I’m commenting on an old post, but when I saw you had written about still birth, I had to read your story. We experienced the stillbirth of our own daughter nearly thirteen years ago; if you’d like to know more, you can read about her here – http://girlstogrow.blogspot.com/2009/12/our-angel-gods-gift.html
What a wonderful comfort to know that you and I and many other mothers will have a joyous reunion in heaven – first with our Saviour, then with our precious children.