(Still Father’s Day. Still at church.)
After the Assistant Pastor finished up acknowledging the new fathers and giving them pounds of coffee, a woman slid into her seat directly in front of me.
In her arms, she held her 6-day-old infant.
He was so small.
He was unspeakably precious.
His tiny ruddy head reminded me of something so familiar and yet so distant…
I wanted to hold him in the worst way.
And yet, I knew he wasn’t mine to hold.
He was hers to hold.
She patted his back and shushed him as he stirred.
The tears poured from my eyes; rushing out of a deep well of sorrow.
Sometimes I can stifle tears. Not these. They would not be stopped.
And I realized, there it was again: one person’s joy; another person’s sorrow.
I am longing to hold my baby again.
And yet, it is I who am being held by my Father. I am just like a baby: helpless and newly-born into a world of sorrow.
I am longing to soothe a crying infant.
And yet, they are my tears that are being collected and comforted.
Because I just couldn’t contain my tears, God walked me out of the sanctuary and sat with me in the church’s library until I could calm down. Just like a Father would.
I realized there that, as much as it grieves my heart, it simply is not my time to hold.
It is my time to be held.
Ryan and my sister, Julie, came out after me, with caring eyes and comforting hearts. In a way, they said to the Lord, “Let us hold her for a while” just the way an experienced grandmother would offer to hold a crying baby for a young mother or father. You know how.
I guess that’s where you’ll find me these days. Being held. By Jesus. By the Father. By the Holy Spirit. By my mother. By my father. By my husband, my sisters, my daughters, my in-laws, my neighbors, my friends.
Held. Because all I want to do is to hold.
(This song was given to us by a family at our church. Just this one song and a card with pressed pansies and wildflowers. Just this one song. How could they have known that the girls and I have played this song over and over and over again as we drive back and forth past the cornfields??)
6 Comments to "Holding You"
Laura, I replied to your post where you shared with your readers that you had lost your baby. I told you that I had lost my pregnancy 3 days before you posted that. I have been keeping up with your blog ever since and going through the journey of healing “with” you. I cried a lot when I read this post and listened to this song. Eventhough I felt so sad, I also felt like it was healing and good to grieve. I grieved over the baby a lot at first but hadn’t opening grieved for him or her in a few weeks. Thank you for sharing your journey with me. It is helping me to feel the things I need to feel in order to heal from the pain. God bless you and your beautiful family. Brooke.
Oh, how I love you. Although this walk is on a difficult path, I’m keeping up with you by prayer and I love walking beside you through it all. Praying for you and Ryan, constantly.
listening quiet. you’re in my heart…
I remember the days after our son Matthew was stillborn. The pain is no longer so sharp after 12 years, but he is never forgotten.
((hugs)) I understand.
Thank you for sharing so openly! I don’t have the same circumstances as you (I’ve never been pregnant and the doctors say I never will be)…but your words still provide me with comfort and remind me to rest in the hands of my savior.
It’s so hard to share in the midst of the deep darkness. It takes a lot of courage and strength to be raw, struggling, brokenhearted… and still worshiping Him. I know this place too. Miscarriage. Adoption of two who turned out to have mental illnesses. Weeks where our home life is very dark and broken from the latter. Moments when I don’t think I can get up and do it anymore. But “even there, Your hand will guide me; Your right hand will hold me fast.” There are no words to make this time easier for you….. and so I am thankful the Spirit can intercede for you in groans indescribable.
Thank you so much for your post. I’m so glad to get to know you through your writing and tweets.
-Laurie
http://livingpower.blogspot.com
Courage in the face of challenges.